


Coffee Shop Soundtrack

by brokencasbutt67



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Coffee Shops, Crying, Cuddling & Snuggling, Dates, Depression, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Fights, Flirting, Fluff, Holding Hands, Insomnia, Kissing, Loneliness, M/M, Making Out, Mental Health Issues, Nightmares, Running, Sharing a Bed, coffee dates, movies - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-09
Updated: 2020-06-09
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:28:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24630040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brokencasbutt67/pseuds/brokencasbutt67
Summary: Not my usual fandomalso 'enemies to friends to lovers' i wasn't sure, they're not friends when it starts tho
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Loki
Comments: 10
Kudos: 43





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was a commission. 
> 
> For more info, follow me on tumblr @brokencasbutt67-writer or email me brokencasbutt67@gmail.com

HQ is too silent and too large to be in alone; wide awake at this time, whatever time it actually is – every hour blurs into one at this time. Old ghosts haunt Bucky in every corridor, in every room and through every door, waiting to pounce behind dark corners. He _hates_ being awake at this time, the memories come flooding back the same as they always do.

A recurring nightmare has brought him here again for the umpteenth night in a row. It’s like a routine, though he’s not sure when he agreed to _this._ The empty beer bottle in his hand only cleared his mind so much, and it’s all coming back to him once again. He can’t have another beer though – not because he doesn’t want to drink any more, but because there are none left in the fridge. _I probably drank them all,_ he thinks.

The empty bottle hits the otherwise empty trash can with a _thunk_ that probably woke someone up, though Bucky is too tired and too worn down to care about anyone else. He could try and go back to sleep; he could try the sleeping tablets he was prescribed but sleep only brings the nightmares back once again, a cycle that he’s been trapped in for far too long.

He doesn’t often stay awake this long without doing anything after a nightmare, but tonight there’s nothing else he can do, except think to himself about the images in his head and any possible way he could rid them from his dreams. Usually, he tries to occupy his mind, whether through gaming or through _anything_ that will rid the images from his mind. Tonight though, he has nothing to occupy his mind, and the beer can only help so much.

Images from the nightmare flicker through his brain again, like some sick movie that’s on an infinite loop. He can’t forget the torture he endured, he never forgets the agony he went through, the trauma that changed him into the soldier he is today, the changes that have left irreversible damage to his psyche.

The sun is rising over New York before sleep manages to overtake him again, and he gets that same sympathetic look from Steve that he hates so much, _like he’s some pathetic injured puppy._ He eventually retires to his bedroom, flicking the television on to fill the infinite silence. He never actually watches the television though – daytime television is the most boring, pointless thing in this world. He tried Netflix once or twice, but there’s nothing on there that catches his attention very much anymore. He’s too tired to get into anything.

Today’s daytime television show consists of women talking about… something, Bucky isn’t entirely sure what it is that they are talking about. He tried to watch this show once, he tried to make an effort to gain an interest in the television that so often clears his mind of those images for a few hours. He finished watching it after a few minutes with the thought that he’d lost braincells.

He can hear Sam and Steve talking somewhere down one of the corridors. He wants to go and talk to them, to laugh and joke; he wants to be a relatively normal guy with friends he can have a laugh with. Instead, he’s going to stay in his bedroom, wallowing in his depression like he so often does.

He doesn’t know when it got this bad. He can’t remember a time when he wasn’t overwhelmed by the nightmares that plague his sleep. He never realised how bad it was though, and now he never gets more than four hours of sleep before he’s waking again.

Eventually lunch time rolls around, _not soon enough._ He grabs his jacket, his shades, and his wallet before leaving HQ. He has no real plan in mind of where he is going, just somewhere to get food and get away from HQ for a while in the hopes that it will clear his mind just enough. He heard from a therapist once that fresh air and walking is good for mental health but when he tried it, there was no real change. _Maybe today will be different._

Little did Bucky know that today’s walk would have a monumental change on his life. 

He comes across a small coffee shop, way off the beaten track away from HQ and anyone that may know him. There’s only a handful of people in the shop, just enough that he can sit in there and not be harassed by people who _want_ to know him, and just enough that it won’t be uncomfortable between himself and the servers. _He’s been in a café before when he was the only other person inside and it was the most awkward situation, he’s ever been in. The waitress was by his table every few minutes. In the end, he left, leaving her a larger tip than he had anticipated._

Today’s coffee shop is a new one to the ones he’s been in so many times before. He walks in, taking a seat in the corner. A server walks over after a few moments, a small smile on her face. _It’s not aimed at me,_ Bucky thinks, _it’s her job to smile at customers._

The menu is placed in front of him.   
“I’ll be by to take your order shortly, sir. If you need anything, just give me shout” She says, before going to clear the dishes and mugs from a couple who vacated a table across the room few moments prior. He nods, taking the menu in his hand.

Light catches onto the metal of his arm, like a punch to the gut. It’s the one part of himself that he hates. Well not the only part, but the biggest part. He knows the weird looks he gets when people see it, the sympathetic looks from people who assume it was an amputation, that one woman who assumed he’d gotten some disease when he was younger and the limb was removed. None of them know of the pure agony of the torture he endured, the nightmares he is reliving every single day, and the images that play through his mind every night, like some sick torture – being forced to relive the trauma and torture every single day, probably until the day he dies.

He’s pulled back to the current moment, his attention is caught by the door opening, a small bell rings to notify the workers that someone has entered the café or left. He doesn’t look up; he doesn’t need another sympathetic look from someone who doesn’t know his story. He’s not sure why he’s paying so much attention to the menu in front of him, he’s only going to have a coffee anyway. It’s all he ever has. If he eats, he’s reminded of the torture, the forced starvation to get a six pack and bulging muscles, to become the super soldier that he became, that he once was. Even though he no longer lives through the torture physically, the mental torture worse now it’s over.

The leather chair in front of him moves, and then someone is sitting there. It’s a surprise to Bucky, no one from the team generally leaves HQ – it’s generally safer not to leave. Bucky though, he doesn’t care about safety. Hence, he’s sat in a café well away from HQ daydreaming about all sorts.

He's not sure who he expects to see, if not someone from HQ. It’s likely someone who _wants_ to know him, for his status. He hates how often it happens, but there’s nothing he can change about it, there’s nothing he _would_ change.

Looking up, he’s met with blue eyes and the knowing smile of Loki. They rarely interact nowadays, Bucky isn’t entirely sure why they don’t interact so much; he doesn’t interact with anybody much if he’s honest with himself, that’s probably why he doesn’t interact much with Loki.   
“Didn’t expect to see you here” He says, briefly looking up before looking back down to the menu in his hands, becoming incredibly fixated on the page of sandwiches that he won’t order.   
“Could say the same for you” Loki responds, a slight smile on his face. Bucky can’t hide the smile from his own face; he doesn’t particularly want to either. It’s been a long time since he’s actually felt happy enough to smile.


	2. Chapter 2

HQ is an unwelcome sight to Bucky after the joy of spending time with someone new, Loki, and being able to talk about everything and nothing that he wouldn’t otherwise talk about without being judged. All of the happiness, the feeling of being carefree, it all fades when he returns to the place that fills him with an unexplainable dread.

It's _home_ , but he doesn't want to be here. The sooner he's inside, the sooner night will come, and he'll be back to square one by the time the sun rises again tomorrow. But he's meeting Loki again tomorrow, and that's something he can look forward to.

He doesn't particularly want to go back inside, but he forces himself to go and see the gang, to see the people who fill his life with some semblance of joy every now and then, instead of blocking the pavement like he currently is. Usually, he has to fake a smile in order to get past the guys without them being concerned. But today is different, he doesn’t need to fake a smile to get back to the room. He's happy today, or happier than he usually is. The wide smile that is covering his face doesn't fade, even when Steve and Tony give him weird looks from across the room.

Bucky knows that eventually he'll have to talk about what's happened to make him so happy, that everyone will be gossiping until he clears up what was going on and who he met, but that day isn't today. And for now, at least, he doesn't care about making up excuses to get rid of the guys. Nothing particularly matters at the minute. He’s happy, his mind is clear for a while and he’s going to seize the opportunity to not think about the images that plague his sleep.

His bedroom is in the same state as when he left it, earlier in the day: bed sheets askew, discarded clothing dotted around the room; empty bottles and snack wrappers that were tossed in the general vicinity of the trash can. He shakes his head, wondering when he let it get _so_ bad. He used to be pristine, everything had a place and he cared about how he presented his bedroom as an extension of himself. Now though, it’s a mess.

A trash bag is filled with the litter that was previously around the trash can, ready to be taken down to the garbage disposal; the laundry hamper is ready to be taken down to the laundrette to wash the already limited clothing that he has; he's changed the sheets on his bed into some clean ones and it feels like a light weight has lifted from his shoulders, even for a few minutes. The therapist was correct, as much as it pains him to admit it, that tidying his bedroom did improve his mood slightly.

He knows that it will get bad again, that his depression will kick in and he'll let it slide in a few days. _It always happens, like some sick cycle that he's going to be trapped in for a long time._ But that day isn't today. And for now, at least, it’s back to normal.

What started out as a few small tasks to make his bedroom presentable: the bedding, the garbage, and the laundry - becomes a much larger task and everything is in its right place when he's finished. It feels like he’s back to his former self, before the torture and the trauma – when his life was normal, when there was no pain.

A brief knock catches Bucky's attention, he turns around to find Steve standing awkwardly in the doorway. Bucky isn’t sure how long Steve has been standing there, he doesn’t care too much to know either.

"Hey Steve" He says, looking around to find something to occupy his mind for the time being now that he’s finished tidying. He turns to his Xbox, his go to pass some time.

".... Hey Buck...." Steve trails off, seemingly confused. Bucky understands why, it’s rare to see him both cleaning and smiling.

"Is everything okay?" Bucky asks, while moving to sit on the bed and look up to Steve.

"Yeah... heh... I'm uh, I'm great. It seems that you are too" Steve trails off, as though he doesn't know what to say. _He probably doesn't know what to say_ Bucky thinks, but he doesn't care too much about what it is that Steve is thinking.

"Yeah, I'm alright. Feeling a bit better now that I've tidied up and whatnot" Bucky says, briefly looking to Steve and then back to the room that surrounds them both. Steve is rather taken aback to see it so... bright? tidy? normal? in here. He's only ever seen inside through the frosted glass door when he walks past, it's always messy, dark, and unkempt. He often wonders if Bucky's bedroom is an extension of the soldier's mental health; when his mental health is suffering, the state of his bedroom is suffering too.

They talk for a few hours, about nothing in particular. Steve notes that Bucky avoids talking about whatever it was that made him so happy and cheerful earlier, but whatever _it_ is, Steve wants to give it flowers and a thank you card... _or them_. He never thought Bucky would meet someone, but it appears that he may have met someone and that’s what is making him so happy.

The sun is setting over HQ when Steve leaves Bucky's bedroom, with the promise of ordering take out for everyone from that one place down the street that do amazing pizzas. Bucky sighs as he looks around the room, for something to keep his mind occupied until the food arrives. His Xbox is still on, whirring away in the corner, and he brings his attention back to that, instead of wallowing away in his pity. The mindless violence of games always a good way to clear his mind.

The take out comes and Bucky joins the rest of the gang out in the main area to eat his pizza. They all laugh, and joke as the night passes until everyone begins to make their way to bed at midnight. Bucky is one of the last people, going at the same time as Peter. He had been tempted to go to bed at 9.30pm when Tony did, but the calls of "grandad" quickly derailed that plan, and with a beer in his hand, he stayed awake until midnight at the least. One benefit at least was that he wasn’t having the nightmares so soon.

His bedroom is cold and empty, it’s always _so_ cold and empty. Bucky has considered getting a goldfish, or a chipmunk, or a hamster even, something... _anything_ to fill the gap of loneliness and silence in his life. No one wants to date someone as broken as himself, hell he wouldn't want to date someone like him – too much baggage to deal with. But when Bucky sees those couples walking around the park, or in the cafes, being all cutesy together; he can't help but feel alone, that he could have something like that for himself, someone to love and cherish as much as they love and cherish him. But alas, it's not to be; not in this life anyway.

The bed is just as cold as he expected it to be, the sense of unease and dread begins to work its way back into his bones as he tries to settle into bed, thoughts of _those dreams_ coming back to haunt him fills him with an undeniable anxiety that he can’t swallow down. He can't get comfortable; he's never been able to get comfortable alone in bed. He tosses and turns until eventually he falls into a fitful, restless sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

The air in this... place is cold, so cold; it's never warm. It's long devoid of any human emotion, any love that once lingered here is long gone and is never going to return. In its place is hatred, anger, and an emotion he can never quite place; whatever it is, he doesn’t like it.

Distant echoes of screams and cries from cells lining the never-ending corridors fills his ears, but he sees nothing except the same four grey walls that surround him. It’s always the same. There's a blinding white light above him, the only thing that's allowing him to see, it's hanging from a chain that doesn't move. There's no air in the facility. Only artificial light, the screams of other people and the people that are torturing him, amongst so many other victims. There’s blood staining his clothing, there’s a pounding in his head and he’s long lost all feeling in his left arm.

Bucky has considered an escape plan a few times; it wouldn't be too hard to break free from the chains shackling him to the chair. A few choice punches here and there would injure those holding him here, just enough to allow him and the others escape almost entirely unharmed. But all of the energy is being drained from his body, like someone is sucking it out with a tube. 

And he can't keep his head up, or his eyes open. He doesn't particularly want to stay awake anymore; everything hurts too much, and he just wants it all to be over. So, he doesn't. He lets his head fall forward, his eyes drift closed, and everything is peaceful for a while. There's nothing going on around him, he's just sitting at home with his parents again on a warm summer’s day, and for a few minutes, it feels like the world isn't so bad. It won't last though, it never does. He's waiting for the next time someone walks in, the next cut or punch that jolts him back to the new reality.

_It's never going to be like that summer’s day anymore though. And he's awoken to an agonising pain. He always is. There's nothing to tell him what the pain is, or where it's coming from, he doesn’t need to know, and he doesn’t want to either. It leaves him writhing in agony. There's a voice, taunting him, picking up on his flaws, his weaknesses and the insecurities that made home in the back of his mind. He can barely hear the voice over the pain in his body, but he hears every word that's spoken, he hears them all._

* * *

He jolts awake, bolt upright in bed. His eyes fall onto the clock beside the bed as he uses the duvet to wipe away the sweat that's covering his torso and face. _03:26, only been asleep for a couple of hours._ His chest heaves, his body aches. It always aches, as though the torture in the nightmare is really happening to him again, and again and again.

He swings his legs out of the bed, sitting up for a few moments before moving to go and get a bottle of water. HQ is always silent at this time, _who would be awake at the late hour?_

The fridge light is blinding as he reaches in to get a bottle of water. He can hear a car, outside, tyres squeal and horns are pressed, filling the silence of the night. There's some shouting, but Bucky can't make out the words that are spoken.He makes his way to the window, looking out over the city in only his boxer shorts. The sun is some distance away from rising yet, the city is almost entirely asleep. There's only a few people awake; business people travelling to catch a flight to the next conference; a lonely cop waiting for the graveyard shift to end; even the prostitutes are asleep now. But Bucky is one of the few that are still awake, I'm always one.

The empty water bottle hits the trash can with a thud. He's tempted to grab a beer and try to go back to sleep, but he doesn't. He just gets water instead. _There are no beers left,_ that’s his excuse. He doesn’t want to admit to himself that without a beer, he won’t be able to get back to sleep.

"Can't fall back into bad habits" He mumbles, though he’s not entirely sure who he's actually talking to. No one will hear it anyway, no one ever hears him. His bedroom is still as tidy, although the state of the bed would suggest otherwise. He falls into it as usual, pulling the duvet back onto the bed, though he doesn't feel like wrestling with it to put it back to normal. Sleep doesn't find Bucky before morning comes. He's not sure whether to be happy about that or not.

He's tried talking about these nightmares. He's tried therapy, to work through all of the trauma but he just couldn't connect with the guy, and before long he gave up on it. He's tried sleeping pills, herbal remedies, hell he even once tried drugs in the hope he would just get one peaceful night of sleep, but it always has the same outcome. He has the same dreams, and he's awoken after the same amount of time and he can never get back to sleep after. It never changes, though he’s not sure if he wants it too, it could always get worse instead of improving. 

None of the gang understand what he goes through every night. Bucky knows they have tried to talk to him about it, about how his lack of peaceful sleep leaves him with an overwhelming depression that encompasses everyone in HQ. He knows that they’re trying to understand it, to understand _him._ But he can't explain to them how he feels. None of them truly understand what he's been through, the trauma he's held inside for so long. And no matter how much they try, they won’t ever be able to fully understand the pain he’s going through.

He hears Steve walk past the door, probably going on a morning jog like he does every other day of the week. Bucky did consider joining him once, hearing that mental health can be improved with exercise and fresh air, but he never has the energy to even get out of bed after another nightmare, never mind running for an hour like Steve does. Even if he had the energy, he isn’t going to waste the energy running when there are much more important things that he could do, like eat.

Instead, he stays where he is, staring at nothing while thinking about everything that goes through his head. He knows that he should move, he should go and take a shower, get dressed and talk to the gang for a while, but he doesn't care to move. He doesn’t have a reason to move, for now at least.

He only moves when he realises that he's meeting Loki again soon. The happiness that it brings him spurs him into getting a shower and getting dressed. They're meeting at 1.30pm in the same cafe as yesterday, there's no real plan in place but to just interact with another being who won't judge him is enough to clear his head and cheer him up for a few hours.

Bucky never thought his life would end up like what it has become, he never thought he'd be some hero that everyone loves, that he'd be plagued by nightmares that cause an overwhelming sense of anxiety and depression that never fully fade.

But he's here now, and he can't change the life that he's lived. He doesn't particularly want to either. As much as he's unhappy, the life he has lived is one that he would never change, because he's met some damn amazing people along the way that made living worthwhile.

Sure, there’s a whole ton of trauma and baggage that comes with his life but given everything he’s gone through to get to where he is now, he’s more surprised at how little he has to deal with on a daily basis. It could be much worse, and he’s grateful that it rarely gets that bad anymore.


	4. Chapter 4

Loki is waiting for Bucky in the corner of the café, at the table they were sat at yesterday. Bucky is standing outside, looking into the cafe while debating whether it really is a good idea to be meeting Loki again, after everything that has happened between them all over the years. He probably looks odd to the average passer-by, standing awkwardly in the middle of the path staring into the coffee shop as though it holds all of the answers to the great questions of life. Bucky doesn't care what they think though.

With a deep breath, he walks forward and opens the door. The bell rings to tell _everybody_ that he has entered, a waitress pokes out from what he assumes is the kitchen. He sends her a small smile as he makes his way to Loki, who is waiting patiently for him with a coffee in his hands.

"I don't say this lightly, Bucky" Loki starts, briefly taking a sip from his coffee.

"But you look like utter shit" He says, though there's no malice behind it. It's light-hearted, there's more concern behind the jibe than anything else. Bucky knows that he looks like garbage, it gives him a small smile that they can joke so easily.

"I feel it" Bucky mumbles, ordering himself a coffee. The waitress gives him a sad smile as she begins his coffee. _Another fucking sympathetic look_.

"What's happening?" Loki asks. Bucky knew this question would come, he knew eventually someone would ask what's going on in his mind to leave him in the state that he is, but it doesn't mean that he _wants_ to answer it. He could lie, he could say that there's nothing going on and that he's fine, only tired. But he's not fine. And it's obvious to every single person that looks at him that he's far from okay.

"I uh..." He trails off. He doesn't know how to say it, he's never known how to talk about feelings, in his long life he’s never had the ability to talk about them, and so he’s never learnt to talk about how he feels. Probably why the therapy was absolutely useless for him.

"Do you have difficulties sleeping, Loki?" He asks, his voice is almost a whisper. It’s started the ball rolling, and he can’t stop it now, though Bucky isn’t sure he wants to stop it. Loki pauses, a split second and Bucky can’t help but think he's fucked up, though there’s nothing that he could fuck up when he actually thinks about it for more than two seconds.

"Yes... I do have difficulties, more often than I like to think about" Loki admits. His eyes meet Bucky's over the rim of the coffee mug. There are so many words he wants to say, in the hopes that it will help the soldier. But he says none, instead he waits for Bucky to continue.

"I've been reliving everything that happened...." Bucky lets out a shaky breath as he speaks, as though he would break into sobs at any given moment. Loki feels a twang of pain, but he doesn’t say anything. He waits, patiently, allowing Bucky to work through what he needs to work through.

"All of the torture, the pain, the hurt. Everything I went through, even though it was so long ago, I still relive it every single day" He speaks, his voice is low, but Loki hears it, he hears every single word Bucky says. He feels it in his core.

He has the same issue; well not exactly the same. He has nightmares, much like Bucky does, though what they consist of is wildly varied. That doesn't matter though. What matters is that they both share an issue, a common enemy almost. _Maybe they can help each other dealing with it._

"I... understand" Loki says, unsure of how to go about it. He sees the look of relief on Bucky's face, that someone experiences the same things he does. For Bucky, to have someone who understands what it is he goes through every single day, even if it's someone he probably shouldn't talk to like this, it's freeing; like the weight of the world has lifted from his shoulders, a shared weight is less to deal with.

"I know they're probably consisting of different things, but I know what it's like, to fear going to sleep, to fear the darkness and what lies in my head, what I see when I close my eyes" Loki admits. Bucky nods, looking into the coffee that is placed in front of him. He sends a small smile to the waitress, an unspoken thank you.

"It... I'm so fucking tired, Loki, I haven't had a good night of sleep in forever. Every damn time I go to bed, it happens. It's the same visions, it's the same place and it's always at the same time, like my subconscious is making me relive it every day" Bucky says, taking a sip of the coffee. He's not often a coffee drinker, he can feel the caffeine perk him up almost, though it won't replace the countless hours of sleep that have been lost throughout the years to these nightmares.

"How do you deal with it, Loki? I can't carry on this way. I'm dead on my feet, one more sleepless night and I'll be a hazard to everyone around me" Bucky blurts in a moment of weakness. Loki is rather taken aback, he's never seen this side of Bucky, in their however many years of being associates. Loki ponders for a few minutes.

"I don't..." Loki admits, both to himself and to the outside world.

"I try to sleep, I wake up after two or three hours, I don't get back to sleep" Loki continues. His eyes briefly meet Bucky's blue eyes, that tingly feeling in his chest has returned.

Bucky shifts slightly when Loki's eyes catch his own. He tries to suppress the feeling in his chest, he won't bring someone else down with his shit. He doesn't need more of the sympathetic looks.

With Loki though, it's different. He doesn't get any of the sympathetic looks that the rest of the gang and everyone else gives him. He doesn't get the "you can talk to us about it" from people who don't have a clue what he goes through every single night. It feels like it could be something real with Loki, and that thought terrifies him to the core.

"I tried meeting someone" Loki continues, pulling Bucky from his thoughts.

"I tried to meet someone in the hopes that someone beside me would help me start to sleep properly, and none of them could stick around long enough to know, because of my night terrors" Loki admits. He looks down, biting his lip. Bucky just wants to wrap Loki up in his arms and hug him, _where did that thought come from?_

"I tried everything that every single person suggests. It does nothing. The truth is, Bucky, I have no fucking clue how to keep going" Loki says, and Bucky understands it. It's a horrible situation that they're in, there's no solution that either can see.

The conversation is flowing for some time, though the conversation strays away from the nightmares quickly, and neither is complaining about that. Dwelling on it doesn’t help either with coping with it.

The coffee meeting? date? chat? Whatever it is, it's rudely interrupted by Bucky's mobile, more specifically Steve calling him to ask him some stupid question... or something, Bucky isn't entirely listening. Regardless, it ruined the mood, and not long after the call Bucky and Loki part ways with the promise of meeting each other again the next day.

It will become a daily occurrence and as much as they don't want to admit it, they enjoy each other's company too much to care about anything else that’s going on around them, or the opinions of those closest to them.


	5. Chapter 5

The coffee dates do, in fact, become a daily occurrence. They meet up every day at the same coffee shop at the same time, they talk about anything and everything for hours. They part their separate ways and go home, and both ache for each other's company until the next day has rolled around.

They both know what is going on between themselves, how they feel for each other and the complications that anything like that would cause for them. But they don't care. It's an escape from the real world for a few hours, and with the lives that they've lived, they are more than worthy of an escape and a break. They avoid their feelings for each other, though it’s getting harder and harder for them.

Bucky walks into the coffee shop as he does every other day, some five weeks after the first meeting here with Loki.

"Hey Julie" He calls, as he makes his way over to the usual table. Loki is already waiting, two coffees on the table and a knowing smile on his face.

The conversation flows naturally now, it has done for a few weeks but today in particular, the conversation doesn't feel forced in any way. They talk for a while about a variety of topics until Bucky's phone buzzes on the table in front of him. He briefly flicks his eyes to it, still listening to every single word that Loki is saying. It still feels rude though, as though he’s ignoring Loki for something that’s of less importance.

"Anything interesting?" Loki asks, and it sounds like there's a sign of hurt hidden in there, a _s though he's jealous maybe._ Bucky thinks nothing of the latter thought, he doesn’t want to think that there could be some spark only to get hurt when he realises that he’s only imagining things.

"Oh? Just Steve, the gang's going out, probably for the rest of the day. Asking if I wanted to go along, I don't particularly, I’m much more content here at the minute" Bucky shrugged, responding with a quick "no thanks" before turning his phone off. Loki smiles slightly, taking a sip of his coffee. The smile sends a spark of that funny feeling down to the pit of his stomach.

"Hey... I know this might be a wild idea, but do you wanna come back to HQ for a while? Might be a bit more... peaceful, private than it is here" Bucky offers, drinking some more of his coffee. Loki smiles, a rare smile that reaches his eyes.

"Yeah, that uh… that would be nice" Loki says. Bucky smiles, mirroring Loki's smile. They drink their coffees, toss some money on the table to cover the bill and a tip, and then they're beginning the journey back to HQ.

It's a peaceful walk in a comfortable silence, there’s no awkwardness between them. They occasionally bump hands, and both are equally tempted to just grab hold the other's hand. They don't though, out of fear of scaring each other away. The fear that both hold over ruining the special friendship that they have is ruling everything that they are doing.

HQ is silent and empty when Bucky and Loki enter, just as they had expected. Jackets are tossed aside, discarded like trash, and they make their way to Bucky's bedroom, as if they're hiding their friendship from undeserving eyes.

"Sorry about the mess" Bucky apologises, though by comparison to a time before Loki was in his life, it's much tidier. Loki smiles, joining Bucky in sitting on the bed.

It feels awkward now that they're alone in Bucky's bedroom. He feels like a teenage girl, sitting on her bed with her crush with their parents sitting downstairs, waiting to find a reason to get rid of him.

"So, uh..." Bucky trails off. It’s as though every higher brain function has gotten a ‘program.exe has stopped working’ notification.

"Nice place you have here" Loki says, looking around the room. Bucky smiles slightly, _when did I become a bumbling fool?_

"Yeah, heh, it's nicer when it's not a shit tip" He chuckles. Loki shakes his head, turning to face Bucky.   
“It’s not that bad in here”

It's as though the world around them stops turning. They're the only ones here, there is absolutely nothing stopping them from indulging after so long holding back. Loki is the first to move. He lifts his hand to cup Bucky's cheek. The slight stubble is rough beneath his fingertips but can’t hide that he likes it.

Loki notes that Bucky leans into the touch like a man starved of affection, _he probably is_.

"Tell me to stop, Buck..." Loki trails off, his eyes meeting Bucky’s again. He doesn’t want to stop though.

"We shouldn't..." He breathes, though he doesn't even know how to finish the sentence, he can’t find an excuse as to why they can’t have this. He doesn't want to either.

A small smile graces Bucky's face.

"Shut up" He whispers, before leaning forward and kissing Loki gently. Loki smiles into the kiss, taking Bucky's hand in his own. Before long, they're making out like a pair of horny teenagers, barely coming apart for air.

They shift around until Bucky is laid back on the bed with Loki kneeling above him.

"L-Loki..." Bucky breathes, shifting slightly until he’s sitting up.

"We gotta stop, I'm gonna..." He trails off, and Loki seems to understand the incomplete thought. He shifts back slightly, though a moment later he's hugging Bucky tightly.

Bucky lets himself have _this thing_ , whatever it is, even if it won't happen ever again. Today would be enough affection for a lifetime. It's been so long since someone hugged him; since someone even cherished him in any way. Even if it is Loki, and if it ends tomorrow, Bucky won't care. Because for today at least, he's happy.

Eventually they move to watch a movie on the Xbox. They're laid impossibly close together, it should be awkward and uncomfortable, but weirdly, the pair enjoy it. One movie turns into two, and then into three and four, and the gang still haven't returned.

"Oh shit, it's nearly midnight" Bucky exclaims, briefly looking out of his window and then to the clock.

"So, it is" Loki responds, but he doesn't make to move, and Bucky isn’t sure that he wants him to.

"If you don't want to sleep in here, the spare room is down the hall" Bucky trails off, waving in a general direction of the door. Loki shakes his head.

"I think I'd prefer to be in here with you" Loki smiles. Bucky can't wipe the smile from his face, even if he tried. He doesn’t want to though; it’s been so long since he was this happy.

"Lemme just go grab us something to drink then" He murmurs, and jogs towards the kitchen. He can hear the gang making their way upstairs, and part of him wants to be out of the way, but he doesn't have the energy to run. So, he doesn't, he's halfway to his bedroom when he hears Steve and Tony’s voices above the rest of the gang’s.

"Whose jacket is that?" Steve asks, and Bucky's cursing himself for not grabbing the jackets, but it's too late now. He slips into his bedroom unnoticed and turns to Loki.

"Everyone is back now" He says, and Loki nods.

"I could hear them" He chuckles. Bucky smiles, tossing his t-shirt aside and changing into some sweatpants before climbing into the bed, placing the bottles of water on the nightstand. Loki strips down to his underwear before climbing into the bed beside Bucky.

It doesn't take long for the pair to fall asleep in each other’s embrace, and though it isn't a peaceful sleep, they're asleep. _No nightmares for a few hours at least_.

At some point, Steve pokes his head into the room, to check up on his friend. He's surprised to see someone else in the bed with Bucky, though he's not entirely sure who it is; he only sees long black hair. That doesn't matter for now though, Bucky seems to be sleeping relatively okay for the time being, he’s been much happier recently, and that's what's important. 


	6. Chapter 6

Bucky jolts awake bolt upright, the same as he does every other night. There's sweat clinging to his chest, he's stiff and sticky, tired and scared. He looks to the clock to see it's the same time as it always is, _03:26 am_. The bottle of water is in his hand, the water cools him, calms him even. Though it will never fully clear his head of the images flickering through his mind.

It's the same as it always is and always has been, but for some reason, tonight’s nightmare has hit harder than the rest ever do. He's overpowered by it, unsure of where to turn or what to do. He lets out a shaky breath, sitting up. His feet hit the carpet, he brushes his sweat slicked hair back, the cool metal briefly cooling him a bit more. A hand brushes against his back, and for a moment, his heart stops. _Who is it?_

"Bucky..." The voice trails off, and Bucky realises who it is, _Loki_. He lets his head fall forward, a sigh of relief and then he’s forcing the welling tears back. He lets out a shaky breath, and a tear escapes, he’s not stopping it though. Loki is sitting beside him within seconds, rubbing his hands over Bucky's back.

The light touches calm Bucky, though the tears don't stop falling. He doesn't want them too, it’s been a long time coming and if it happens to be now that he cries, then so be it.

"I'm so fucking tired" He eventually whispers. Loki just pulls him close to rest his head against Loki’s chest, stroking his fingers through Bucky's hair. He knows what Bucky is going through, he’s gone through it himself so many times on his own. He knows what it is that Bucky needs, and that is someone that he can hold and someone holding him, to calm him. They don't move for some time, just sharing each other's embrace. It's calming, for them both, to have someone holding them and cherishing them.

Eventually, Bucky lays back down, facing up to the ceiling. Loki rests his head on Bucky's chest, drawing circles over his heart. It calms Bucky further, lulling him back to sleep. And Bucky doesn't want to fight it anymore, he wants to be able to get a normal amount of sleep for once in his damn life.

He doesn't fight it, eventually. He lets himself fall asleep in Loki's arms. Soon after, Loki joins him in sleeping. It's the most normal amount of sleep they've both had for a long time. The nightmares won’t stop, it’s not as simple as that to stop them, _it never is_. But for tonight at least, they can try to get a few more hours of sleep.

Morning rolls around and Bucky and Loki have no reason to be awake early, nothing requires their attention for at least another day. So, they don't wake up, they don’t move from the bed, they catch up on the innumerable hours of sleep lost.

Steve pokes his head into the bedroom at some point, concerned for Bucky's welfare. _He’s never slept this long, he just wants to double check on Bucky_ , that’s his excuse. He's surprised, taken aback even that it's Loki who is cuddled up at Bucky's side, out of everyone in the world.

He doesn't mention anything to the rest of the guys about what he saw, they don’t ask. But regardless, he doesn't want to spill the secret. He already feels like he was intruding on something special, that he was seeing something he didn't deserve to see.

There are discussions waiting to be had, arguments between Bucky and other members of their gang of misfits, but for now at least, they're not important and they’re not happening now.

The only thing on Bucky’s mind right now, as the sun rises and he wakes up feeling slightly more rested than usual, is the being that's cuddled up to his side like a teddy bear.


	7. Chapter 7

The impending argument doesn't come until just over a week after Loki spent the night in HQ. Steve has only mentioned what he saw to one person so far, and he regretted mentioning it almost immediately. He told _Tony_ about what he'd seen, _I don't know what to do, Tony_ he'd said. _He's not sleeping when he’s alone, but with... Loki, he's happier, he's sleeping better and... just overall, he's much better off. But it's Loki..._ he'd explained. He _thought_ Tony was the lesser of the evils when he looked around HQ, but he was sorely mistaken.

Tony wasn't sure what to say about it either, he didn’t believe Steve at first. He was aware of the weird relationship going on between Bucky and Loki, he'd seen the headlines and the photos of the pair meeting up every day that littered the crappy news websites and social media, but he didn't want to believe that it was really happening so close to himself. When he heard the confirmation from Steve, he felt his heart sink that little bit further.

Tony was the one to cause the fiery argument, of course. He'd made some jibe about the relationship to Bucky, he'd tried to hide some cruel comment about his depression, or _something like that_ with a light joke and it didn't go well.

Steve isn't entirely sure what was said, but he can remember very clearly seeing Tony and Bucky fighting in the kitchen. Plates were smashed, noses were broken, and all sorts of insults were thrown back and forth before Bucky just walked away. He couldn’t be bothered to argue with Tony anymore, and Steve wasn’t surprised by the soldier’s response. It was as though Bucky had known it was coming.

That's how the situation has ended up like this. Peter is back at HQ, patching Tony's injuries up and trying to get more clarity around what occurred between the two for the argument to escalate into the huge fight that it became. And Steve is here - searching the streets to find Bucky. He'd tried to call him, twice, but fell short when Clint answered the phone - in HQ.

So here he is, jogging around the New York streets. He could pass it off that he was just out on a run to anyone that asks, but he hopes the concern on his face isn't too evident to raise questions. _That would make a headline like no other_.

He's searched every single location he can think of - even trying the little park a short way away from HQ where Bucky was once keen on going, to feed the ducks or whatever it was that he did while he was there. Steve berates himself for not paying as much attention to his friend, who was clearly struggling over the past few months.

There is nowhere else that Steve can think of as a possible location of Bucky. Even if he did have an idea, he’s not sure whether Bucky even wants to return to HQ after the fight with Tony. Steve is certain that if he was in Bucky’s position, he wouldn’t be thinking of returning to HQ any time soon.


	8. Chapter 8

He's jogging back towards HQ, wracking his brain in the hopes of a last minute suggestion, when he comes across Loki walking towards the same intended location.

"Where are _you_ going?" Steve asks, unable to hide the malice in his voice. But he's not angry at Loki, hell he's actually happy that Loki and Bucky found some solace in each other, found something so special in a world that can be so cruel to everyone.

He's angry at Tony for being so petty and he’s angry at himself for telling Tony. He knew he shouldn't have mentioned it, he regretted saying anything the minute the words had left his mouth, but the words couldn’t be taken back.

"I _was_ going to visit Bucky, is there something wrong?" Loki responds, rather taken aback at the anger from Steve, who can only sigh in response.   
"He's gone... somewhere. Tony knows about you and Bucky, okay, he's kicked off and there was this huge fight at HQ. I don't know why Tony blew up how he did, I wasn't there but I heard that there were some pretty harsh comments towards Bucky, they were fighting when I eventually got there. Bucky ran, we can’t find him. I’ve searched every single place I can think of" Steve admitted. Loki frowned.

"How did To- not important" He spoke, quickly changing his mind about the question he wanted to ask.   
"I saw you guys, that night when we were all out and you spent the night at HQ? I saw you both. And I'm happy for you both, but Tony? He's..." Steve sighed, answering the unfinished question. Loki understood though.  
"I thought Bucky would be with you, to be totally honest" Steve admitted. Loki shook his head.

"Nope, me and him haven't spoken much today, I’ve been busy" Loki admitted, his heart was pounding in his throat. He's terrified of losing Bucky, even though their relationship is still so new and… unique. It's the closest thing to love he's felt for a long ass time, and he'll be damned if he's going to lose it over something that stupid red prick said.

"Alright... uh, you go one way, I'll go the other. I’ll text you if I find him" Loki said, holding his phone out for Steve to put his number in.

A few hours passed and nearly all of the areas surrounding HQ have been searched _extensively_ with no luck. Steve was close to giving up, going back to HQ, and just playing the waiting game for Bucky's unlikely return. Loki won't do that though, he's still searching in the hopes of finding Bucky, unharmed.

He's walking around another of the possible parks that Bucky could be hiding in, wracking his brains in the hopes of thinking of somewhere else that Bucky could be. He tried the coffee shop; they hadn't seen Bucky for a few days. He's tried most of the stores nearby, the parks and just about every single place he can think of. He doesn’t want to lose hope, but it’s getting close to that stage.

He sees a figure across a pond, a figure he recognises very much. The metal arm is a sure sign of who it is. He jogs over, scared that somehow, he could be mistaken. _Who else has a metal arm and would be around here?_ The more he thinks, the more he realises that it is his love, his Bucky.

"Bucky..." Loki trails off. He sits down beside Bucky on the bench, panting slightly. _Running isn’t for me,_ he thinks, though it’s not what’s taking up his thoughts the most.   
"Hey Loki" Bucky says, completely devoid of any emotion, he doesn’t even look up at Loki. _It's not the same Bucky that Loki knows, he’s hurting too much_.   
"I heard about what happened..." Loki says while shifting to take Bucky's hand in his own. He can’t help but squeeze it extra tight for a few seconds, to calm his racing heart that Bucky isn’t hurt. He is hurt, mentally, but he’s safe and that’s enough for Loki right now, he can help Bucky patch up the hurt.

"I don't know what was said specifically, but I heard that giant red prick said some shit" Loki continues. He squeezes Bucky's hand in his own again, and Bucky squeezes it back after a few moments.   
"It was just the usual shit he spews, about mental health, about night terrors, about me being a fuck up... it's hard not to believe him when I can't sleep, when I wake up every hour of the night terrified that..." Bucky lets out a shaky breath, still not looking up. He’s never said these words aloud, it scares him how much he’s opening up to Loki, sometimes.  
"...that those people are back. It's fucking hard not to believe him, Loki..." He admits.

"I know it's hard Bucky, I really do. I’m right by your side through it all. You're not fighting this alone, you know, that right? You have so many people supporting you, and we all disagree with whatever it was that Tony said" Loki says. He briefly catches on to Steve, jogging towards them. He doesn’t say anything though, his main priority right now is Bucky. Whenever Bucky is this upset, the entire planet could be burning around them and Loki wouldn’t care  
"I know..." Bucky admits, letting out a shaky breath that almost sounds like a silent sob. There are tears dripping from his cheeks and he still won't make eye contact with Loki. He squeezes Loki’s hand again; Loki counts it as some progress at least. Steve appears in front of them, looking entirely unphased by the amount of running he's done.

Nothing is said between the trio for several minutes. Steve doesn't know _what_ to say, Bucky is scared to say anything that Steve will hear, it'll work its way back to Tony and it's just going to be more fuel for an already roaring fire.

And Loki? He has so many words that he wants to say to Bucky, he wants to tell him everything he is thinking, the amount of love he holds for the soldier is only one small part of it. There are so many words that are unspoken, so many promises that Loki made to himself. But he won't say any of it here, not in front of Steve. Steve doesn't need to know, it's only for Bucky and Loki to hear those words.

Eventually, Bucky turns to Loki and hugs him tightly, the tears drying on his cheeks. He knows he doesn't look good - puffy eyes and tear trails. But he doesn't care, he's calm enough for now with Loki, he’s not happy – he’s hurting. But he’s not as upset as he was previously, now he’s spoken about what’s on his mind. Steve doesn't comment, he doesn't want to do anything that could ruin the moment, he just sits and watches with a small smile on his face.

"We uh..." Bucky breathes, still shaky - he sounds as though he would break into a sob at any moment. He swallows for a moment, before taking a breath.

"We should head back to HQ; they'll be wondering where you are Steve" Bucky says.

"They know where I am, Buck, everyone's worried about you. Even Tony, underneath the asshole persona he genuinely does care about you" Steve says. Bucky shakes his head. _He doesn’t believe the latter comment, especially after how he acted a few hours prior._

"I don't wanna talk about him, I just wanna go to bed" He admits. Loki stands up, holding his hand out for Bucky. There’s a small smile on his face and then Bucky is standing up beside Loki, holding his hand tighter than he usually does. Steve can’t hide the smile on his face, and he doesn’t want to, seeing his friend so happy for the first time in a long ass time is a pleasant change.

Everyone in HQ is waiting with bated breath when the door opens, looking at Steve almost expectantly. He shakes his head, he knew this would happen but he’s still not happy about it.  
“Guys… just back off, alright? Now ain’t the time to be up in his face” He says, and though they’re reluctant, everyone moves from where they were watching the door. They’re no longer sat in front of the door, but they’re still watching, waiting for the drama to kick off again when Bucky returns.

After a few moments, Bucky and Loki walk in. They’re aware that everyone is watching them, the weight of the eyes in the room is heavy, but they don’t care. Bucky stands tall, not letting go of Loki as they enter. Tony immediately catches that they’re holding hands, but they’re already down the corridor to the bedrooms before he can make a comment. He doesn’t know what he’d say though, Steve can’t help but look to the ice pack being held to Tony’s nose.

“I don’t take sides often, but you kinda deserve that” Steve shrugged, grabbing himself a beer from the fridge.   
“I know” Tony sighs, sorely regretting his earlier behaviour. He hadn’t meant to go off as much as he did.

Back in the bedroom, Loki can’t help himself. He pushes Bucky onto the bed, climbs into his lap and hugs him impossibly tightly. He feels Bucky tense for a moment, but then he is letting go of all of his fears, his insecurities and he’s hugging Loki back just as tightly, his body shaking with the sobs that are wracking through him.

They don’t separate for a long time; they have no reason to. There’s nothing going on that demands their attention except themselves. The sobs and the tears will eventually stop sometime later on but they don’t care. They’re quite content just cuddling where they are for now, though they know that eventually they will have to move, to get food and whatever else they need to do. But for now, that’s not important.

Eventually they do part the hug, though only for a few moments before Bucky is reaching up and kissing Loki deeply, _indulging himself_. Loki melts into Bucky’s touch, his hands cupping Bucky’s cheeks while Bucky’s hands are holding his waist, holding him close – as though he’ll fade if he doesn’t hold him as tightly he is.

It’s a perfect kiss, like one out of a movie – one of _them_ kisses that are usually done in the rain or some other shit that Bucky doesn’t pay attention to. What he is paying attention to is Loki in his lap. He can’t help but indulge himself further, kissing him again, and again and again. There’s nothing stopping them now, and there’s no reason to stop, so they’re not going to stop.

Food calls them both in the end, and Loki leaves the room with the promise that he’ll return with food shortly from the pizza shop down the road. Bucky seizes the opportunity and goes to grab a shower while he has some time alone. The warm water gives him some time to think, and he can’t help but notice how much his life has improved now that Loki is in his life. It’s only been a few weeks but already there are noticeable improvements.

His diet is improving steadily, he’s not skipping meals and relying on beers to get him to sleep; his mental health is slowly improving – though it will be a long, rocky journey to being fully okay. He’s genuinely happier. Sure, he’s still going to have night terrors, he’s going to struggle with mental health issues, and it won’t just fade overnight, it never will. But with Loki by his side, it feels like it’s less of a mountain to climb on his own.


End file.
